Rise

Grief has its own timetable. It is unique to the individual and each circumstance of loss. It cannot be rushed. It cannot be decided away regardless of how the griever or world wants to move on, get over it, suck it up, in short, do whatever it takes to get back to “normal.”  Trying to effect a resurrection of sorts by demanding a griever rise from sorrow is a like trying to climb out of a pit by pushing a rope.  It doesn’t work. Perhaps it is because the challenge isn’t about whether to grieve or not to grieve; it is about whether to live.  Sooner or later every griever must make that choice. It isn’t as simple as it may sound.  Returning to life from the gray existence of sorrow feels like abandoning the only remaining link to our loved one--our tears.

Living is more than an accidental combination of matter and form comprised of cells that continuously convert chemicals into energy.  Life is more than the autonomic nervous system functioning below the level of consciousness, reminding the brain to think, the heart to beat, and the lungs to inhale oxygen and expel carbon dioxide. Life, real life, is about seeing beauty in the world and about experiencing joy, something a griever doesn’t believe will ever happen again.

I breathed in and I breathed out, but the monotony of sorrow following Tara’s death and baby Alden’s death could hardly be described as living. Nothing interested me. Nothing intrigued me. I looked forward to nothing.

One lonely morning, when I questioned my ability to survive another moment of crushing grief, I heard gentle words more tender than the first violet of spring.   

“Bunny, there is still beauty in the world.”

I found myself pondering, “Is there anything that brings me joy?”

I searched the depths of memory and finally recalled a source of joy that hasn’t changed since I first discovered its decadent pleasure as a girl.  I love Chanel No. 5. 

I retrieved a half-empty bottle from the back of a dresser drawer and placed it beside my big red chair.  For months, whenever grief overwhelmed me, I removed the glass stopper, inhaled the fragrance, and repeated the mantra: “There are still beautiful things in this world.”

Who knew God could package healing and resurrection within the confines of a tiny glass bottle?

I have always thought of resurrection as a one-time, not-of-this-world, reserved-for-Jesus, spectacular event.  I've assumed resurrection requires a burst of energy and a flash of glory bright enough to burn the image of the resurrected onto a burial cloth or a power grand enough to roll away an enormous stone.  Perhaps there is more. Perhaps the miracle of resurrection happens around us every day, but goes unnoticed.  

Maybe resurrection is hope that floats unnoticed on a warm breeze at winter’s end. Maybe it is a tiny green shoot of grass that dares to raise its head after a terrible fire marches across the earth. Maybe it is as delicate as the scent of perfume mingled with her tears that Mary used to wash the feet of Jesus (John 12:3).

In time, I resolved to honor the life of my child by choosing life. I resolved I would not only breathe in and breathe out, I would live, and I would live abundantly, as she –and God –would have it.

And I will look for beauty in this world. 

I didn’t know it then, but the path I walked in the shadow of death had begun a gentle rise from the valley floor toward life. It began with a whispered reminder from God and the fragrance of heaven contained in a little bottle of Chanel No. 5.

Reflections:

Isaiah 40:30-31 “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.”

“For in the dark stretches of life, the most difficult discipline of all is not that of soaring or even running. It consists of ‘keeping on keeping on’ when events have slowed you to a walk, when it seems that in spite of everything you are going to crumple under the load and faint away.”~John Claypool, Tracks of a Fellow Struggler.

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."~Joseph Campbell

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day."~ 
Henri J.M. Nouwen

"Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances, even in the midst of suffering, with tears in its eyes...."~Frederick Buechner

-Where do I see beauty in the world?

-What brings me joy?

Prayer:

Morning sun, let your soft light fall gently,
Gently upon all that has grown dim in our lives.
Morning sun, pour yourself into places where we are weary,
Morning sun, refresh our bodies and our hearts.
Let us step into this new day as ones,
As ones expecting miracles.
May we live this day with the presence of disciples of joy!
~ Macrina Wiederkehr