Excuse Me?

I really do need to watch what I say. I meant my words to Pam as a compliment and as a reflection of my affection, but it didn’t quite come out that way. My daughter Tara had died, and it's true I was in a weakened state after a long day of platitudes from well-meaning people. Their words were spoken in love, but stoked, rather than calmed, the flame under my God-wrestling pot. Their words were intended as comfort, but had undertones of "let's look on the bright side" and sounded like dismissal of pain to my grieving ears. Still, that is no excuse for insulting my friend of thirty years.

“Well dear, we don’t understand why these things happen, but it’s all part of God’s plan,” one woman offered. 

So it was God’s idea that Tara should die and for her children to be motherless? And that's supposed to make me feel better because . . .? I'm not sure I like him any more.

“God, never gives us more than we can handle,” said another. 

So this IS God’s fault! I think he's trying to kill me.

“If you want things to get better, all you have to do is pray.”

Really?  Really? Do you honestly think I haven’t prayed every prayer I know how to pray! Tara still died and my grandson Spencer is still gone.

And the most confusing:

“Would she have been normal had she lived?”

I could hear Tara's laughter, “What are you going to say now, Mom?" Tara was a free-spirited, ball of energy. Normal, is not a word anyone would choose to describe her.  

“Excuse me?” I asked the inquisitive woman, trying to understand her point.

“I mean would she have been normal? If she had lived would she have lived a long and productive life?”

Oh, right. We wouldn't want her to not be productive.  Good thing she died before that could happen. By the way, what level of productivity does a person need to achieve before they earn the right to live?

Thankfully, I managed to keep my thoughts to myself.  

When the phone rang, I braced myself for another round of heartfelt, but difficult-to-hear advice.

“Hi, how are you doing?” my friend Pam said.

I breathed a sigh of relief and felt my shoulders relax at the sound of my dear friend’s voice. 

“Thank God it’s you, and not another well-meaning Christian!” I said.  

There was silence on the other end of the line as Pam apparently pondered the implications of my comment. I am thankful the silence was broken by her laughter. 

"Well, thanks a lot!" she laughed.

I really do need to watch my words, and perhaps I need to cut other well-intended people a little slack and pray they will do the same for me.  

Reflections:

"The very best gift you can offer a suffering person is a heart full of understanding, eyes filled with tears, and ears ready to listen." Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D.


"When you don't know what to say, Try saying nothing.  Just let your presence be the powerful witness to your love".~Henri Nouwen


"When silence fills the room remember that God is in and beneath the silence, radiating his love."~Kenneth C. Haugk


"Your presence is worth much, much more than words. Your presence communicates to the other that he or she is valued, precious, beloved. You presence brings not only the gift of yourself into the relationship, but in and through you, the gift of God."~ Kenneth C. Haugk


"Do not avoid those who weep, but mourn with those who mourn." Sirach 7:34

-Is there someone who needs my love and presence?
-When I have gone through difficult times, what was most helpful to me?
-Have I experienced the gift of God through another person? What happened? How was love expressed?

Practice:
Don't avoid grieving persons for fear of  knowing what to say. Silence is always appropriate. If words want to be spoken, speak from your heart.  Tell them what you feel: My heart is breaking for you . . .I grieve with you . . .I wish there was something I could do. . . I wish there was something I could say.