When it comes to offering words of consolation, we could all take lessons from a good man named Paul. I don’t mean the struck-blind-on-the-road-to-Damascus Paul (although listening to him isn’t a bad idea either,) I mean Bayside-Academy-Paul, Tara’s high school friend, who would no doubt be embarrassed hearing himself described as a saint.
If you really want to know how to offer words of consolation to a grieving mother, here’s a clue. Give her a memory. Tell her what her child meant to you. Tell her what her child meant to this world. If you mean it, tell her you grieve with her. A mother can tell if you’re insincere. Don’t be concerned you might make comments that will "bring it all back up" or remind her of what has happened. Trust me, she hasn’t forgotten.
Don’t let distance, or faintness of heart, prevent you from speaking face-to-face. If that is not possible, write a letter. Don’t wait until you have pretty stationary. An e-mail will do. And if by chance, your computer’s date stamp shows you are writing in the wee hours of the morning, even better. She’ll probably keep it forever.
Paul -1:41 AM September 22:
Dear Bunny and Sam,
There is no way I can adequately express in words my sorrow over the passing of Tara. I will miss her greatly. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Spencer, the new baby and the entire extended family. Even though the void she has left is immeasurable, I hope and pray you are finding joy and comfort having her new son in your life. I will continue to pray for his good health.
I apologize for my delay in contacting you. I had hoped I would be able to do so properly via regular mail but was only able to get your email address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I have submitted the letter below to [an on line book for people to write remembrances.]
God bless you all, Paul
For the book of remembrance:
Dear Tara,
"Life is what you make it.
Make your days with gold.
Take each step with caution.
But with each day be bold."
Those are your words and you wrote them in my yearbook at the end of our sophomore year at Bayside. To say that you were bold would be the understatement of the century. In fact, you were a fireball exploding with laughter, the most biting humor imaginable, beauty, gentleness, kindness, and music . . . so much music! Wherever you appeared, there was music. Even on those very, very rare occasions when you were silent, I could still feel the music radiating from your soul.
I remember so clearly the moment I first laid eyes you. It was about 24 years ago when you first came to Bayside. You spontaneously filled that classroom with sparkling conversation and combustible commentary. I knew right then and there that I had a life-long friend. We bonded instantly because both of us felt that we were outside the groove of the high school mainstream. We also quickly discovered that we both shared an immense passion for the oddities of life, the wonders of children, the simplicities and complexities of friendship, and of course, music.
You introduced me to Tom Waits, John Prine, Bob Dylan, Dan Fogelberg and so many other great artists and writers. You sang and played your guitar and I was star struck. On several occasions, I accompanied you on the piano while you sang. I never told you what a great privilege it was to play for you. Years later, it was such a joy to see your then 2-year-old son Spencer dancing to the same music you loved with that same spark of jubilation in his eyes that you had in yours. Now, every time I hear "Dear Abby," "Forever Young," "Out Here on My Own" and countless other songs, my mind's eye immediately gazes upon you smiling and singing your heart out.
You ended that same entry in my yearbook with these words from Bob Dylan:
"May your heart always be joyful.
May your song always be sung,
and may you stay forever young."
Tara, I will miss you so much but I will ALWAYS feel the music radiating from your soul and I will ALWAYS see you smiling and singing your heart out.
. . . and you will stay forever young.
Love, Paul
Bunny - 7:30 PM 9/22:
Dear Paul, what a joy you are to a mother’s broken heart. I’m sitting here crying and laughing and celebrating the invincible spirit of my beautiful daughter. Thank you so much for loving her and for sharing your memories with me. I’m saving your letter forever.
We are moving forward as best we can. I have just returned from seeing the baby. Knowing Tara, you will not be surprised to know that she wanted a special name for her baby girl. She is named after her two favorite people-- my sister (and also your classmate) Amy Alden and my other sister Carolyn Betts. Using their middle names, the baby’s name is Alden Betts. I think it is beautiful, even if it does trick some people into thinking she’s a boy. Please keep praying for her. There is a lot to pray for.
Alden is still in neonatal intensive care, but we hope she will be coming this way soon. Spencer unfortunately is not with us. He did come for a visit, and we hope to take him to see his great-grandmother Lillie in Stockton for Thanksgiving, as has always been our custom.
I know I don’t have to tell you how much Tara loved you. You have always been special to all of us. You brought back so many happy thoughts.
Thank you, dear one. Bunny
Reflections:
"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out."~Walter Winchell
"It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time."~Barbara Kingsolver
"Line by line, moment by moment, special times are etched into our memories in the permanent ink of everlasting love in our relationships."~Gloria Gaither.
"In a world preoccupied with the quest for material possessions, it's easy to overlook the fact that the most valuable things we own are our best memories. Good memories are the gift that keeps on giving. They make us smile, feel proud, and re-experience the pleasure of past times."~Michael Josephson
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art . . .It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."~C.S. Lewis
"Love one another, as I have loved you."~John 13:34
-Who are the special people in my life? Have I told them what they mean to me?
-What blessings are reflected in my treasured memories.
Practice: Memory Box
Memories of special moments are often lost with the passage of time. The joys of a simple day are often overshadowed by major life events. Each day ask, "Is there something of this day that I wish to remember?" Keep note cards or slips of paper handy to write your memory. Place the memory in a keepsake box. At the beginning of each new year, read the memories in your box. What do you notice? Were there blessings or moments of grace you had forgotten?
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